Being Honest is No Picnic

It pains me to say this, but lately I've been going through a difficult stretch. The job that I loved so much, working with schizophrenics and others with severe mental illnesses, has suddenly disappeared. I really miss doing therapy with them. For me, it's a difficult job but a very honest way to make a living. You can't fake your way through it, and the only way it works is if you absolutely love what you do and the people that you meet.

So I'm now jobless, and complicating matters is the fact that I haven't finished my dissertation and cannot sit for the licensing exam until I do so and graduate. I estimate this to be six months away. At this moment I'm very much in between worlds.

So every night I stay up very late, work on my dissertation, watch TV, strum the guitar, and generally loaf and mope around all day. I've been calling around looking for another internship, but nothing has offered itself as of yet. Every day is a battle for my self-esteem. Watching Oprah every day can do that to you.

Somewhere in all of this uncertainty, I believe, is a big lesson that will only gradually reveal itself to me. The impermanence of it all is very obvious. Somehow, I got caught up in the notion that things were good, and would continue to be good indefinitely. WRONG. Damn, I shoulda known. That, and the irony of a very educated person facing the possibility of going to work on the night shift in order to pay the bills is a bit stunning. Never thought it would happen to me. I guess there are a million ways to learn, and sitting in a classroom taking notes is only one of those ways. Another hard lesson in life. But aren't all the important ones hard? Otherwise, what would be the point?

I will keep you posted. In the meantime, back to the cushion.