When Anger Calls...
I had an interesting experience the other day. For whatever reason, I had an unusually intensive morning meditation, one of those days when you just feel totally there. I then got dressed and headed out the door. The first thing that happened was someone made an illegal u-turn in front of me while I was trying to get on the freeway. I blasted my horn at him to make sure he knew what a bad person he was. I immediately felt awful and confused. Where in the world did that come from? A little further down the road, a pretty typical freeway near-miss set me off again. What?
What I'm getting at is pretty significant. Eastern-based meditative practices can have unintended consequences in the context of our Western society. We're not sitting up in a monastery somewhere cut off from the world. Dogen and Hakuin-zenji did not have to deal with traffic on the 405. And zazen is not a cure-all to make us some perfect person that never gets angry. In fact, as my experience demonstrates, zazen removes some of those barriers that prevent us from experiencing our true feelings. A good thing or a bad thing? I guess it depends on how you deal with it. But the intensity of my anger really surprised me.
I'm not a zen scholar, but I'd venture to say that Zen Buddhism as a philosophy and a practice is really still new to us here in the West. Psychologists are just now beginning to understand how the Western mind manifests an Eastern practice. In "Promises and Perils of the Spiritual Path," Engler points out 9 or 10 ways in which meditation serves as a defense mechanism rather than a path to self-awareness. These include a quest for perfection and invulnerability, avoidance of feelings, and avoidance of responsibility and accountability. It's not my fault I got angry, it's because some idiot cut me off on the freeway.
Anger is an issue with me. Let me quote Engler: "Even advanced Western students find that periods of powerful practice and deep insight will often be followed by periods in which they reencounter painful patterns, fears, and conflicts." Looking back, I'm sure I've used my practice at times to unconsciously avoid dealing with my deep-seated issues, issues that a therapist might better be able to work with.
A final story: years ago, I had a friend who was experiencing some rather severe psychological symptoms of distress. Fine, I thought, let me help him by introducing him to zazen. After all, zazen can cure anything. It didn't take long to find out that that was exactly the wrong thing to do. The silence frightened him and made him even more anxious. So much for good intentions. Zazen is not a game.
What I'm getting at is pretty significant. Eastern-based meditative practices can have unintended consequences in the context of our Western society. We're not sitting up in a monastery somewhere cut off from the world. Dogen and Hakuin-zenji did not have to deal with traffic on the 405. And zazen is not a cure-all to make us some perfect person that never gets angry. In fact, as my experience demonstrates, zazen removes some of those barriers that prevent us from experiencing our true feelings. A good thing or a bad thing? I guess it depends on how you deal with it. But the intensity of my anger really surprised me.
I'm not a zen scholar, but I'd venture to say that Zen Buddhism as a philosophy and a practice is really still new to us here in the West. Psychologists are just now beginning to understand how the Western mind manifests an Eastern practice. In "Promises and Perils of the Spiritual Path," Engler points out 9 or 10 ways in which meditation serves as a defense mechanism rather than a path to self-awareness. These include a quest for perfection and invulnerability, avoidance of feelings, and avoidance of responsibility and accountability. It's not my fault I got angry, it's because some idiot cut me off on the freeway.
Anger is an issue with me. Let me quote Engler: "Even advanced Western students find that periods of powerful practice and deep insight will often be followed by periods in which they reencounter painful patterns, fears, and conflicts." Looking back, I'm sure I've used my practice at times to unconsciously avoid dealing with my deep-seated issues, issues that a therapist might better be able to work with.
A final story: years ago, I had a friend who was experiencing some rather severe psychological symptoms of distress. Fine, I thought, let me help him by introducing him to zazen. After all, zazen can cure anything. It didn't take long to find out that that was exactly the wrong thing to do. The silence frightened him and made him even more anxious. So much for good intentions. Zazen is not a game.
posted by David H at 9:37 AM
2 Comments:
such a wonderful entry! Like a glimpse through a kaleidoscope, if i even slightly tilt it, look, look, whole new images to view!
Deep zazen and illegal u-turn: who better to do a u-turn in front of, than someone fully (more fully) available and present (with presence of mind) to respond. You call your response 'anger' because that is the name (you have habitually) given to the BOLD TYPE, all caps, highlighted, underlined, exclamation point, exclamation point sensation/emotion which coursed through your body and its various systems.
Weren't you saying LIFE, LIFE, Pay attention, pay attention, this u-turn action, a dangerous, perilous, frivolous thing to do in the face of Life, Life for you and all those around you--if you have thoughtlessly engaged in this manouever, then WAKE UP, MAN!
and didn't this u-turning driver give you the opportunity to experience what is important and precious (this very life) and what is not (potentially endangering others just to make a short cut around a mistake--that is a mistake on top of a mistake).
If you had been on the zafu behind the wheel--don't you think you would have still honked? Maybe the sensation/emotions cropping up wouldn't have been interpreted or experienced by you as 'making sure he knew what a bad person he was', but instead would be experienced/interpreted by you as 'making sure he knew what an incredibly lucky person he was'--that this u-turn of his could so easily have been an accident for you both (and others?)
Where in the world did it come from?
Beautiful sparkling of a koan, if there ever was one.
Thank you so very much for opening this topic so accessibly for us all.
The livingness of zen means that even Dogen Kigen Zenji and Hakuin Ekaku Zenji get behind the wheel every day with and without a driver's license, with and without insurance.
When we make a wrong turn they honk at us!
Your horn blast to the u-turn driver was a horn blast to him for his driving and simultaneously a horn blast to yourself for your response which became (almost instantaneously an editorial comment on Absolute goodness/badness of the nature and character of the person in the u-turning car, rather than a signal alerting of near peril averted. The consequences of our inattention potentially impact so many more people: the freeway is such a wonderful stark example for us all to understand. But in all our actions, at all times, the consequences of our inattention impact everything else!
But you go on in this blog to give a huge second helping of deeply inspiring insight:
how the Western mind manifests an Eastern practice, and the subtler and not-so subtle claims made by the ego as it seeks to colonize
the fruits derived from and even the act of meditation.
You are a longtime zazen practitioner. Anger arising with the action of the u turn driver is opportunity for you Just like the questions built in to the computer program when it asks (do you REALLY want to quit this program, do you REALLY want to delete this) This anger coming up gives you a chance to really want to give up ANGER, to really know if you really do.
Most especially wonderful is the thought-provoking paragraph you end this blog with:
your story about suggesting zazen for someone in distress you wanted to help. I have some questions: was this person practicing zazen alone, or with a teacher?
Zen comes in more flavors than za. A seasoned teacher might have been able to point the distressed person to a practice suitable for them. It is compassionate to want to help someone in distress. It is natural to draw from one's own experience as a basis for making suggestions. The bottom line, attributed to be Shakyamuni Buddha's dying words: each of us is responsible to work out our own salvation as we best can: relying on our own experience, not teachings, not teachers.
You are a good friend to suggest from what you know, you are a wise practicioner to know it (zazen) isn't for everyone.
Thank you for a very rich and enriching, beautiful and open hearted entry.
As for my own anger, I'm not ready to quit that program yet. I'm not angry as deeply, as often, for as long--but it's still there. It won't kill, it won't maim, but it's still there. I had a recent experience, sitting with anger, that gave me a glimpse of it's future: it was pure energy, all that needed to happen was take the grrr out of it.
Hi Dave,
Teeth together, but not clenched.
Tongue placed at the roof of the mouth.
Breathing through the nostrils using the muscles of the lower abdomen...
I am really enjoying your blog. ZenJen
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